cracked and beautiful
singing in the rain
bible and scrambleeggs, daily necessities
saved, planted, rooted and growing. HoGC
it never hurts to smile
giving time, time
i cry hard, i love harder
dream more and fear less
counting my blessings
i know where to find my blanket of stars
earlgrey . redvelvetcakes
fix me, God
holding on to Your words so tightly.
i feel like i’m losing a grip of everything of life and of myself.
fix me please
three three word phrases
three three word phrases that are hardest to say in the human language
..
i was wrong
i am sorry
please forgive me
..
i remember how she’d come to my desk to randomly doodle on my papers.
i remember her cheeky grin on that particular photo.
i remember our morning rides to the office.
i remember our vacation in japan.
i remember how we laughed at other couples.
i remember how she made me feel like i really mattered.
..
this list can go on for forever. but the longer i let it be here, the more painful it gets when i start thinking about all the little things that screamed “these we weren’t so true afterall”
..
and of cos i have no intentions of listing them down. not because they still cut like a knife but its because i’m slowly learning (maybe even learnt) thats these actually really dont matter anymore.
..
there were days i find myself asking questions. a thousand whys. really, a thousand whys. i know i will never get an answer to them. and i also know, the answer wont make a difference anymore.
..
do i miss her? every single day. do i still care? i always will.
..
she was beautiful in her own ways. she was smart, she was witty. she was kind, she was generous. she was driven, she was capable. but somehow somewhere, she got lost trying to find herself. one thing she didnt knew then was that people around her loved her for who she really was. nevermind the outfit, nevermind the haircut. people who mattered werent judging and people whom she thot was judging, didnt matter anyway.
..
on a different note, yes, i will never stop hating her.
for becoming the person i no longer know or was it, for pretending to be the person i thot i fell in love with. whichever, whatever.
not for her decision to turn her back on me and on us, but for putting me in the room and then decide to walk out of the door.
..
sometimes during quite times on my own, i wonder to myself if i’ll ever regret deleting every single messages and picture of her. after all, i always always keep messages and memories from all the past relationships(and even the almost-relationships) the only explanation i can think of is that i never hated anyone of them like how i hate her now.
..
as much as i’ll admit this hatred is so real. i’d also admit that i wasnt perfect. i had my flaws and my bad habits. she tolerated, she corrected. and she definitely deserved a girl many times better. i probably ruined her life as much as she ruined mine. just that she handled it alot better and solved it alot faster only.
..
doesn’t mean i’m still in the pit hole. i’m out. happy, blessed and loved. our God is a good God. for the people He has put into my life, for the times i realized how i’m really laughing and smiling, for the courage to love again and for the opportunities He has presented me with. how can i ever thank Him enough.
..
“as bad as it was, as bad as it hurt. i thank God i didnt get what i thought i deserved”
—largely also because i didnt deserve what i thought i had deserved anyway.
..
how apt that of all times and of all seasons, the day to learn about what the hardest words to say in the human language are, is now..
..
and of all days to say it, on your birthday today.
..
i was wrong, i am sorry. please forgive me.
